under the light

Wednesday, March 31, 2010

ah ha. i am gonna start to blab again.

recently i suddenly felt again the effect cultural differences can bring.
or like the irritating-ness of people not understanding what i want them to know.
ok. let's see.

no.1
i miss my friends who are overseas very much right now. like really alot. because when school start i have no life. no life = school+tuition.
it is a choice but u know. school saps up so much life that i dont feel like going anywhere after it. and that even if i do. i feel sinful and guilty so much that i wanna quickly go home, as if there is someone waiting for me at home.

no.2
i dont know what my problem or what's this person's problem.
like from last time i already tried to be friendly. and thought maybe it would be like any other socialising shit and we'll be fine.
but no. the person is damn bloody cold.
wat the hell is the problem.
i also dont know.
so irritating. anyway i am being retarded too because i dont know why on earth am i being irritated for. who's this person anyway. i guess its just that i cant take it lying down that i didnt manage to make this a proper friend.

no.3
this feeling has been bugging for a few days.
the feeling that i lost something or i forgot to do something. but i dont know!
i dont know!
urgh.
the mental result from procrastinating too much.
whatever.

whoo~ comfortable i finally managed to say things i have been wanting to tell someone abt.
but have been quite a hermit these days.

9:42 AM

Saturday, March 27, 2010

sometimes when i think of the times i spent or the stuff i said or the stuff i did.. i feel that i have done soo wrong..
even though i really dont think my maturity has changed.
its not exactly being immature i would like to choose to feel this way.
but more of like.. hmm.. why in the world was i behaving like that. and why the world was i so high, so upset, so rude, so overly-enthu.
i was walking around (to the toilet to be exact haha), suddenly this memory/scene popped into my head.
it was this trip or outing i had with several nus pple whom i dont know at all and we just met becuz we were in tokyo doing exchange and not even the same uni.
but like we were let's go to odaiba(this reallly nice place by the tokyobay) together and just play ard the area kinda thing.
then i rmbed i was late (not very ok. like 15 mins so still pass. not my fault i couldnt find the train station at the interchange k. i was walking in circles>.< ready to cry ahah)
then i think superficial mean girl me came bursting out of my skin.
(but i really dont do these things on girls only the males), cuz it was like 2 guys and 2 girls, i knew one guy from this nus meeting dinner 2 weeks ago so it was fine but the other one was kinda neeerrddy. ok. i am too. but hello. he is the distinction kind a bit ah pek)

i think i was crazy because i was damn bad to him the whole day like how i would treat jeslyn normally - but u know jes is 自己人 so it was fine, but i bloody meeting this person for the first time. and i was like huh hee hu heh hor to watever he said. <-do u get it? haha maybe i dont too.
one was like he wanted to enter this "amusement park" thingie which was too ex (at that time of my mind) like 1500 or 2000 yen i think. like 3 hours or 2 hrs before it closed.
the amusement park is at the top floor of a shopping place- sonic the hedgehog themed.
he was like huh.. we hardly come out eh n here is so far. if now dontplay when.
and then i said (but i rmb the other 2 as well) why dont u go in and see by urself, we will wait outside for u. <- at this time the sky was already dark ok.
i dont think our tone was mean or watso ever, just maybe a lil tired we walked too much.
just that i cant get his disappointed face out of my mind.
i mean i really didnt go like "Aiya. dont go in la. very late already u know. " i remembered keeping mum and looking in to the brochure carefully for him to see f there were any twilight discount tickets.
but i still said that line "u go in urself los. we wait for u outside its ok one." shit.
and there goes.
but then yea it ended such that he didnt go in. but i think they didnt enjoy much time with me cuz i behave like a spoilt brat sometimes i think. or like some weird person. (<-pls dont tell me that even though i know cuz i will really be heartbroken. T.T)

and they never contacted me again
haha. so sad.

there are so many of these moments that come as a quick flashback to me and i so feel like digging a hole and stuffing my head in it. gahh.
its freakin embarassing. cant imagine what they were thinking when i say all these things.

so my dear frens especially my close most-suseptible friends please do not take watever i say into heart when i seem like i am blabbing away. cuz those times u know, my tongue just shoots off. but of course please offer me a listening ear as well cuz sometimes i am just showing my true feelings and opinions and not trying to please everyone.

i know i should change my habit of saying: sorry, ごめなさい，对不起.
but u know i cant help it because i dont want to have times where i ahve flashback and want to kill myself for not apologising when i needed to.
when i say sorry i really mean it, even though i say it so often, it doesnt devalue my sorry ok.
just like how how available diamonds may be (with $$ ofcuz), it still cost alot + quality matters.
my apologies always has my meaning to it.
i dont say sorry to pple i dont like or feel dont deserve it.
so ya just accept my apologies and keep it. and remember to remember that i apologized to u before, despite the things that i might have done (that time , this time, whatever time) out of straightforwardness and u have a flashback of the moment. >.<

japan again. forever. i need to stop talking abt japan like when i was in japan.
it is getting ahem with me even.
but sigh. i had no one to share with then ma.
just hear my exciting stories.

2:44 AM

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

今日　久々歩いて家へ帰った。
歩く時　色々なこと考えた。日本の経験もいっぱい思い出しました。
今日の一年前　私と母親が　日本の成田空港着いた。そしてたくさんこと　あったの。
母親は日本語が全然わからんから、私がめんどう見たばかり。
でも寂しくなかった。母親が帰ったら、ちょっと辛かった。
学校まだ始まってないから　友達があまりいない。できることもねぇ。
お花見自分やったことある。あああ！！スーゲー寂しそう。
でも学校始まったら　楽しい時間も始めた！！：）：）
その３ヶ月はすごく楽しかった。時々日本人のこと嫌いになったけど。それはちっちゃいことだけなぁぁ。
東京の時間はすごく自由でした。たぶん　その自由にあいしてる　だから　今　そんなに　日本に戻りたい。
いつか。　私。　絶対。　もう一度　慶応で　勉強します。
これは　私　今の人生の目標です。これからも。

10:01 PM

Thursday, March 18, 2010

明日　シンガポール税関（ぜいかん）で面接をうけます。
緊張　心配　緊張　心配
この仕事は第一希望じゃないけど、　一緒懸命　やる気満々で。
本当に　すごくいい仕事と思う。
お願い！明日いいこと言って！！

10:30 PM

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

もううううううううううう。。。
あたしの日本語　どうしょうううううう？！？！
日本からかえてもう一年間。日本語も全然ダメ　なってる：（　T.T
以前日本語で考えて話しやすい。。でも　今その”タレント”　も　ない！ない！
心配：（　
ちなみに　今日　９時半まで学校いったの。
勉強。。やはり家で　できない。。勉強は。
根性ねぇぇ　（ｗ）
統計のコンピューターのセンターで　勉強したの、　でも今日はスーゲー　うるさかった。
わたしの友達　けど：（　友達だから言えない。　
すごく　イライラした
それの上に　宿題の問題　一回したけど　まだできない、
友達うるさい、　できない、　うるさい、わかない、　うるさいいいい！！
何なんですか？その友達だから　我慢しかない。
ううううわあああ　もううう
でも　しかたない　なぁぁ。。

11:10 PM

Monday, March 15, 2010

他の人のブログ見に行ったの：）
おもしろかった！（ｗ）初めてブログをみたら笑った。
その人はすごく素直にいっっぱい書いた。。
読んだら　わかった。なんで　その人は　そんなに　人気がある。
いいなぁぁ　自分の意見に　ありえないぐらい　自信がもってる。
たぶん　ものすごい大物を見たことあるから。
わたしは　ここしか　無いんだ：）
うれしいこと　悲しいこと　自由で　はなせる：）＾＾
フィーフィーの　場合は　人気が無いほうがいいかも、　
おもしろいこと　も　言ってねぇし。。　ちょっと　つまない（ｗ）
自分のストレス　と　ファミリーの　しか言いたい　
ここは　あたし　の　ひみつ。
いつか　バレたら　（あたし　気にする人にだけだけど）
たぶん　泣いちゃうかもしれない。。　
悪口　言い過ぎ。　haha.

11:22 PM

Sunday, March 14, 2010

アルバイト終わった！よかった！疲れた。。（ｗ）
あああ。。
明日宿題をださなきゃ：（
でもまだおわってない。。
ムズイなぁ
シンガポールの大学は本当にありえない。

10:28 PM

日本語もっと練習したいから、これから　限界まで日本語で日記を書くつもりですううう：）
今日台湾のアイドルのコンサートを見に行った！：）
ものすごいすばらしかった！！でもやっぱりジョ二ーズのコンサートが一番いいと思う。

日本語のクラスの先生がわたしを升級した。うれしい！！：）

あのねぇ、
いろいろなことを考えてきた。友達と話すときすごく不安。ちょっとおごった。友達に。
でもそれは　ダメ、知ってるよ。
今の世界は　もう　自分の世界に　なってる。
わたしも　同じ。　
いつも　自分だけの立場を考えて、　自分だけがほしい物をとって。。他の人のことぜったい考えていない。
ひとりだけ　わたしが　そのひとは違うと思った。でも大間違いです。
その人は　大人がみえるけど、　実は、本当は、　自分のことが中心。
友達か　この人。
でもさぁ　友達というものは　もともとは　わたしのことを思ってる者じゃない。わたし　これを信じてるよ。だから　意味がないじゃん？ー＞　友達を作って。。
わたしも　自分しか　考えないから、おごる　は　ダメ　わかる。
でも　考えほしい　なぁぁ。

ちょっと　ががりしたよ。だから今日本語で　書いています。

イライラするなああ。。最近が。　
もう　わかなくかてきた。未来がみえない：（

12:45 AM

Monday, March 08, 2010

心痛。
does she know how much she is hurting me whenever she says stuff like that.
comparisons are not meant to be like that.
family is not meant to be like that.
my mum. is not meant to be like that.

whenever it comes crashing down, i feel like crying.
but is unable to do so. because my chest crunches up so hard that the pain takes the tears away.
this time. in front of the cold refridgrator door.
i was unable to breathe. i thought i was about to suffocate.

words here can release the thoughts that i should forever keep silent about.

it is just that sometimes i think our family is much more broken then the happy close picture others see.
i know i am fortunate.
but humans are greedy.
and i think the only way for me to stop being greedy is to become a lone.
to cut.

10:09 PM

i want to travel!! i want to go so many places for my grad trip. (although it's just another excuse to fly)
Paris, Taiwan, Hawaii, Japan, California, Bangkok.
so many places i wanna go! and if i dont go this time, I would never be able to go for such a long holiday once i start work.
but the problem is that i dont even know when i will start work and that the applns are all in processing state and i dont want to miss any opportunity just because i went to play.
how how how.
my heart is burning, waiting for the results of applications, wanting to arrange my last holiday.
argh.

12:53 PM

Saturday, March 06, 2010

whoo. i have been writing quite a bit lately. overflowing with emotions:)
haha my period is on the way. >.<

anyway.
today has been the happiest day of the week.
my mood was totally obvious despite the swollen face due to 10 hours of excessive sleep.
my mum woke me up at 7 am before bringing my brother to school with a "i dont need to wake u up so early today right? u dont have school today right?"
huh mama? u just woke me up?

and then when i finally pulled myself out of the bed before i got a headache from excessive sleep, my mum said "after this exam u dont have anymore isit? u finished studying already? going to holiday already?"
huh mama? its only march! and 5th of march! i barely had school for 2 months!
how compressed can an university semester get?

anyways i was in a good mood despite needing to shout at my 12 yr old tutee for not doing her hw, and needing to do my economics group project outline with sleeping members.

>.< why am i in such a good mood?
i dont know! anyway what i wanted to talk about was recieving messages from people that you would always miss whether they are by your side or not.

i get excited whenever i successfully make a friend, and really nervous when when a person did not originally hit off with me well (and maybe never will due to differences) become friends with me. I am not sure how to respond. rather then not hitting off well, i would say it would more be like I am "scared" of the person. But then when we get to talk, i shoot through the skies and into cloud nine. I like it:)
i like it very much that I can finally talk to the person, even if its the little bit. even better if it was intiated by the person. suugeee ureshi.

another time would be when someone whom I always missed and will still miss due to the distance, spring a surprise on me:)
someone wouldnt include my family though.
strangely enough they are too close until it feels overly mushy when such things happen.
friends only.

a message can really make me happy >.<
brimming with a smile till i sleep.
i will probably have a good dream tonight.

and

12:00 AM

Thursday, March 04, 2010

the power of words. and language.

i think everything seems to be centered around numbers.
money money money.
finance stock market currency statistics weather reports latitudes earthquakes.
yea. why did i choose to study statistics.
the one that one of the closer ones to numbers.
ironically. it was because it had the most words.
in JC i liked doing statistics.
because, it made sense, it was logical.
it was unweaving the information bits stuck in the paragraph carefully thought out by our teachers.
i think they may have had a tough time setting paper 2s because of the amount of words and information they have to make sure the students were provided with before embarking on the journey of analysis.

in my three years of studying stats never once did i not grumble. (urm, maybe i was just alil arrogant during the foundation module, but hey, its lasted only 15 weeks, and only made 1/5 of my school life then)
but, at least i know I have extra depth in my knowledge of that portion.
These few months of job searching and countless explanation to people has dawned on to me how behind the scenes statisticians have been.
"What can "statistics" do?" "why did you study that for?"
hello. there's a reason and calling for every subject that is being offered in our teeny weeny national university.
the national university would not waste their precious resources on developing and mantaining a course that would not bring a name to their graduate, and then back to them.
although i think a huge amount is spent on unnecessary lights and air-conditioning too.

and yes. talking about the use of statistics. Isn't everyone in almost every single subject immersed in it?
from the cold hard finance- where they study trend, forecast, trace retrospective results, show evidence to the public about their capital. is it not statistics?
to human related warm fuzzy stuff like about of help given, needed, death toll, survival rate.
or even the scales of many measurements probably resulted from past history statistics accumulation to form standards and benchmarks.

then why do those people in business. ask. why do i study statistics for.

I remember my driving instructor say, "isn't something you can just feed to the computer and the computer will give you the results." yes. and then sir? "do u understand the results? do u understand the difference and significance of different conclusions that 0.05 and 0.06 can bring?
just like how a doctor's judgement is crucial. so is a statisticians on numbers and graphs, because we have have only theories and case studies to deal with piling, ever-changing results, and renewed old, new data.
ah ha.. i went overboard with my dissatisfaction about the under-ratedness of statistics.

the main point i wanted to say was the power of words.
it might not seem major. but words, and language and tone that comes out from some one's mouth can really affect someone.
i am one person who cannot take "shut up" very well, although i do say it too.
a fun "shut up la" is of course ok. but u know u never know when the person is in a not very good mood despite the smile on his or her face, and that even a fun "shut up la" may cause a slight tingle.
no no. i am not saying that i am that sensitive. I am not that moody a person, its just a thought that occurred to me, when my mum said it like 3 times (with 2 times shouting) at me.
I just wanna remind myself to becareful with my own words and tones. although, the tone really can get bad when i am rushing or am feeling anxious.

it really can get quite bad. the heart crunch. but for me it is only about certain things, or by a certain person and in a certain tone. so with 3 factors needed, I dont think the probability of me getting it is high, but why do i still get it rather often from the ones I cared about so much.

9:40 PM