under the light

Friday, September 29, 2006

12:03 AM

Monday, September 25, 2006

... i really dont want to lend the Gong vcd to my auntie.
it seems i'm sucked into the show.
die die die.
it has been ages since i've been like that.
but the vcd is so precious.
i am not sure how my auntie will take care of it. will she scratch it?
she scratched mum's hk shows. ARGH!

10:49 PM

Thursday, September 21, 2006

today is the last paper... bio paper 1...
hmm.. all of a sudden i feel... lost... lousy... exams over... aren't i supposed to feel relieved.
but how come how come i feel like crying.
exams this time seemed so so so long. i really feel like shit. like totally drained.
i dread the day that my results come back and show that my efforts were futile.
all the papers were like i am loss for words.
even when i'm watching 'john tucker must die' i wasn't really laughing sincerely.
it was farni but...
half of my heart was thinking about my exams.
i've never felt like before.
i had chem tuition... did jjc's paper...
why am i able to do their paper and not cjc's? our standard aren't that far.
it occurred to me/ probably i got exam jitters.. causing me under perform...
NO NO!! i cannot let that come over me! i've never did allowed it to overcome me!! i've never allowed exam jitters to come over me.
wat has happened me...! if this continues... i can not get any where.
and at the back of my mind... i've got choir issues popping out every day.

life. i've asked my self numerous times. wat's life. where's my life destined to be.
many friends asked me. why are you so into horoscopes and into tarot cards fortune telling and luck. i dont know. they give me security. the security that i still have a future lying ahead of me.
i actually dont see myself as a thirty year old.. i never think i'd live that long.
so i can only hang around in this world.
i wanna do something meaningful. something that will help not millons but at least a handful to change their lives. give them hope. and they can give me back a dream. a dream of seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. i wanna do real stuff. not just pray to god, do charity, give offerings, mediate or chant. i wanna that handful of people to know that no matter wat i'll always be there. even at the expense of my fiances my career and my life...

a free clinic.
a bunch of delinquents.
a group of misguided people.

but where i'm going to get the power the responsiblity the courage to shoulder their troubles with them. i'll find it. i will find it. i will find it. let me find it.

5:55 PM

Wednesday, September 20, 2006

hmm... jus finish watching a jap show... :)
actually i think most jap shows are worth watching...
the pretty ladies hot girls cute guys cool boys...
and the enlightening moral values are thinkings behind each episode..

i liked GTO when i was young:)
today i watched a show abt this female teacher with a "untellable" background of a heiress of a mafia group... how determined she is to teach the whole bunch of delinqeunts.. to make them trust her and show them how much hope they have:) solve their problems and all... :) not to mention the two leaders are SOO CUTE!! hahha kk back tot he topic..

hmm.. i was from a good primary school... top EM1 class... 258- i was below average of class by the way.. maybe then i didn't understand... didn't understand how badly some students were treated even though promised equality...

SCGS was a great place there wasnt much discrimination... hmm.. there still is.. it jus gets worse in JC... how do i noe?...
becuz i'm a student who once was high up and now at the rock bottom...
my fault? ya. i'm too lazy.
but that's not the point.
the point the difference in treatment that teachers give.
in secondary school. we were a notorious class... we had no prefects... and me a horrible always shouting at them class rep.. now i feel ao apologetic to them. i was horrible and bad tempered last time. yuck. i sdont even dare to turn up for reunion... i have sucha gross character. runnin away always running away.

in JC? teachers say...' ok let's not compare with the 4 sub classes... we just compare among the 3 sub ones...'

wat the damned is wrong with comparing with the 4 subs!
you noe we'll say things like becuz they are 4 subs wat..
but! BUT!
why dont u turn around and tell us.
tell us that we are no less stupid weak as compared to them.
tell us that we are all in the same school with the same teachers.. so why should we do worse then them?

tell us assure us that... that we can do it. and not jus put us down all the time and only rewarding the top grade people miss soh. mr chua. i worked hard. u noe that i worked hard. u said that i worked harder and improved a little... but then why after u say all these u turn away and give sweets to the'regular customers' .
i'm not being petty abt the rewards.. it's just that i just want that confirmation.
the confirmation from you that watever i did is of use of help of consolation of relieving you of your stress. and u recognise it as a step to a success that i'm suppose to see at the end of the tunnel.

but. i didn't recieve any...
do you have any idea how happy i am to recieve compliments... especially for the things that i worked really hard and care really much for. form young... even though from top class in primary school.. i dont remember getting any...
maybe the feeling i get when i recieve them from people i so respect is fo good that i become addicted to it.. become so much of a 'teacher's pet' unable to defy instructions or state my true ideas.

gross. that's all ihave got to say abt myself. i want a teacher like yakumi in the show. i'm too greedy. being a teacher seems meaningful afterall.

11:26 PM

Monday, September 18, 2006

wonderful. examination periods are jus wonderful. isn't it?
bleah.

changed new skin ya.. hmm actually it's too pink.. heh heh huihui doesnt really wear pink u see.

she uploaded some music on her blog too.
if u want click etc. and u can find the music. BUT.
u cannot navigate away from etc. it'll stop.
only one song will be able to play if u click on the rest of the links...
there's this pink with purple buttons player BELOW etc.
it only has bon jovi's u give love a bad name.

haha actually watever.
i dont really care.
i blog to be happy.
just like how i happy i am to study in ann's house:) hehe with the xiao yan too. hurhur
ann. really. ur parent are nice. ur house cosy.

hmm. i thought i've improved. as in work.
but. prelims seems to have proved me wrong.
i seem. unprepared still.
tell me.
is it really to far a dream to enter medicine.
i'm really not working hard enough.
i hate it. i hate myself.
see even now i cant pull my self away from blogging and do chem paper 3.
shit.
i hate afternoon papers.
i cant focus.
i cant finish my papers.
how.
time's running out.
my health is killing me too.
the constant headaches, back aches, neck aches, knee pain, and super swollen puffy eyes.
watever.. headaches are the worst followed by eyes so swollen it feels like i've cried the whole day.

strong medicine is a good show.
produced by whoopi goldberg.
the actors and actresses sub plots and plots are totally in tune with one another.
the hippo oath seems to be really carried out in this show.
i dont know. i cant do a post medical degree. it's too much time, too much money.
my parents have a life. i cant afford to take away the life they are supposed to have. i'm not supposed to take away the privileges reserved for my brothers.
money. money. money.
how are my brothers gonna continue good studies if i use up all the money.
i am so fucking nconsiderate.
forget it.
maybe i should never have dreams. i never should have dreams.
dreams will always be dreams.
they give us hope.
but.
tell huihui.
when does it come true with just a wish, without a price.
the price tag to pay to pursue my medicine dream is huge. too huge. too huge that i feel that it'll reduce my family to rags.
my family is my life.
they are all i have.
they are all i wanna give.

Friends come and go or stay.
we choose them.
but.
Family will always be family.
we cant choose them.
we cant make them go away or stay.
they are the only ones worth sticking our faces into watever shit there is.
they are the only ones worth swallowing the tears for.
some true friends are worth it too.
i dont think love is worth it.
at least it hasn't proven itself to be.

~tata. enjoy life. u never noe when it's gonna end.
i may say hate and dislike and sad all the time.
but i look around. i am a happy girl. with a great family. and true friends

8:22 PM

Monday, September 11, 2006

today's september 11... not only the day that i have my prelim bio paper 3... but also the day that many many many lost their lives in america...

america... a place where it's so far away from us. a place where it's their day and our night. on september 11 2001 i remember myself at 0930pm plus, a tuesday after my english tuition i reached home.. touched the radio button waiting for jamie yeo's voice on perfect 10 reading dedications... nope.. the song ended... her voice came on... saying that there'll be no dedications today and that it'll be somethng like a tribute to the people who have died in the world trade centre plane crash. i remembered rushing to my parents saying... something crashed in to the world trade centre! something crashed into the world trade centre! young as i was... i thought.. the only world trade centre was singapore's world trade centre. my mum said... dont talk rubbish. how can tat be true... i replied... it's true.. it's real! that's wat jamie yeo said on radio! my mum brushed it off... u might have heard wrongly.

i thought so too. maybe i heard wrongly. den my dad turned on the chinese news at 10. then come the video footages of the planes crashing into the wtc and everything it's south tower collapsing and everything... confused. i was confused. there was no terrorism then. i didnt noe wat that was. den came subsequent reports on plane crashing into the pentagon- den i learnt why there's a building called pentagon. i understood wat my math teacher had been teaching- polygons, pentagon=5 sided polygon. i really thought the were accidents.. the last plane crashed into the woods in pennsylvia... so i thought it was just accidents.. i forgot how i camre to noe that it was the work of al qadea, osama bin laden. i remember the next day in schl no teacher mentioned abt it.. nor did our principal.. so thought.. it's just another news from america...

today. i watched a tribute documentary tot he 33 passengers on flight 93... the last flight that crashed into bare land instead of the designated white house. it made me upset. it made me cry. like quite badly. i really didnt think that this flight that was the most insignifcant as it didnt kill anyone was because of it's passengers who fought back the 4 hijackers. the passengers that decided tat they will not just give up without a fight and that they come together pool their courage, love for their family and 'come on, let's roll' and attack the hijackers. trying to again control of the plane. their family memebers said, it wasnt that they wanted to save the watever place they were to act as 'sucide mission'. they only wanted to return home to their family, and hold their families. it was this little warm feeling of love that propelled them and gave them the adrenaline rush to attack the hijackers. these passengers on flight 93 fought brave hard and well. their families remembering and loving them forever, knowing that those precious 33 lives were lost after a fight and not in a last moment of fear.

these group of pple has proven to me that humans aren't selfish. they are just filled with the love that they so cherish and fight for it with it in their heart till the end.
my salute to these brave people and best wishes to the families that has lost them.

i hope that if one day i'm face with any life' threatening suitation... i would also have such courage to fight till the end...

~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:

yesterday schmi announced that he'll be retiring this year:) he was winner of the the italian grand prix yesterday. italy's ferrari's home ground. 7 world championships. 90 grand prix winnings. and a total accumulation of 1200 over championship points. he has broken every every record there can be for a driver. hardly 50 and hmm.. there he is... succeeding so well in his career let's hope he can win this year's champion ship. he has highest record of no. of grand prix winnings... let it be the same for the world championship record too. :)

kimi drove great yesterday too:) though he had the pole position but due to fuel strategy... he still lost his position to schmi.never mind. kimi is a great driver:) he's moving to ferrari next year:):)

massa is a good driver too! a great team player.. he has given great support to his partner this year:) so has his partner to him:)

all three are great drivers with great sportmanship. go go go fightin'!

4:05 PM

Sunday, September 10, 2006

grow up. grow up. grow up. grow up. i wanna grow up. i wanna do big things. i wanna do great things.

steve irwin is a nice guy:) watched his tribute on animal planet yesterday.
he really looks like fine man. nice father husband loving whatever. my brother told me he is the same on screen and off screen:) how real can a person get:) oh my bro just got me hooked on discovery channel and national geographic, travel living and of corse HALLMARK!!:) strong medicine is a cool show man:)! the cocktail kings too!!:) hmm after watching these informational shows .. i turn back to whatever chinese taiwan korean japanese american shows.. they seem.. ah hem.. kinda tucky. :) my vocab is improving.:) listening to BBC is great:) ... it's 6 o'clock GMT and u're listening to BBC world service... too bad i dun haf dee channel on cable.. :( whatever. miss my radio. i've cool songs in my mp3 now man. COOL COOL COOL. that's wat things are for! singapore is too hot.
haha lame.

~i dont miss not talking to you.
~i loved talking to you.
~i dont think you care.
~so..
~i figured i shant too.
~it's a waste of my brain cells.
~i've got better stuff to do.
~i'm gonna be successful.
~Dont come running then.
~it just shows how fake u can get.
~you really are not worth it.
~you really arent.

3:06 PM

Saturday, September 09, 2006

:)
although i didn't manage to watch westlife yesterday... i watched and listened carefully to something else equally wonderful-the opening show of The Forbidden City, a portrait of the empress.

the show was good. i wldnt say very good. but it was good. i am totally in awe of ALL their voices... be the lead actors and actresses or the ensemble... they are so up-to-the-brim with singing capablities. they may make mistakes... but it's a sure thing that they ALL have wonderful singing abilities... i'm also so amazed by how the set and scenes are planned to switch. it really shows the tremendous amt of effort they've put in...:) a Singapore production:) i'm not exactly a very patriotic person. It's just that i feel that this meticulously planned musical is really something every singaporean can be proud of... even though majority of the leading casts aren't singaporean. at least we have kit chan:)

oh... it was the opening night, so it was near full house. :) there were so many 'red-hair' woahh.. the many high-flying expatriats and minimal high-flying singaporeans..real cultured people... :)

there was this blonde lady who wore and black cheongsam with bright red peonies:) how envious. envious of their 'courage' to show their utmost support to a musical that truly well deserved it.

why dont we 'build' a culture like that too:) it's interesting. it'll make singapore a place where people arent mere strangers. we will be more comfortable sharing a laugh or a smile with each other, even though we are strangers. we will all live a happier life. we really will.

p.s. oh... noe wat i realised that most songs... ranging from the musical to pop to rock to heavy metal to watever.. most of them are like ' Me, myself and I'. they revolve around the hurt happiness anger fear that ' Me, myself and I' experience. Noticed?

10:09 PM

Tuesday, September 05, 2006

mr ratface gives me uneccessary pressure.

11:53 PM