Tuesday, October 31, 2006
i've always wondered...
those office people walking to the mrt station.
those office ladies sitting and chatting at coffee club.
those office men sitting and chatting at Wang Jiao coffeehouse.
are they really university graduates...
did they really go thru the torment of 'A' levels?
how come they seem to have everything in hand?
how come they are living reasonable lives?
how about those would failed 'A' levels?
how about them?
where are those people?
it scares me...
where am i gonna go when i'm not gonna make it.
i console others. encourage others.
in fact
i'm equally as scared..
or maybe even more afraid then them.
less then 32 hrs would be the first paper.
the deciding papers of my life.
maybe i should just ... my life.
please let it turn out fine.
please let me get somewhere.
do i deserve somewhere?
i dont know
wat i know is that i surely deserve somewhere if tyrants like teletubby have somewhere.
it's not fair.
unfair
life's supposed to be unfair.
what's with the education system man.
i'm SEVENTEEN
not even eighteen
my birthday is in the mdst of this nightmare
and u want me to throw my everything in now?
shouldn't life have more meaning?
i shant have children.
i cant have them go thru wat i'm going thru now.
why am i born here?
why?
why?
Why?
WHy?
WHY?
useless bum
can only blame the enviroment and watever else about the plight
useless bum
9:59 PM
Thursday, October 26, 2006
There's a reason why some photos are repeated:) 
1:56 AM
Friday, October 20, 2006
lost.
hmm.. i totally share the wanna die feeling with kai.
i jus realise oh shit my math isn't as good as i thought it would be.
do u know how disgusting the feeling is getting stuck at every single question.
i know man. i know it damn well. so well that i jus wanna puke when i see math.
time time time.
where's my life.
university?
it's seems far.
unreachable.
it seems impossible.
what am i going to do if i cant get into uni.
what are my parents gonna do if i dont get into university.
where are my family members gonna place their faces.
my heart hurts.
my head hurts.
my back hurts.
my chest hurts.
i dont dare tell my parents man.
i actually didnt want to type it down.
but i decided too.
i didnt want to regret not typing these down,
in case in the future i wanted remember how it was like now.
my english is horrible.
yuck.
i cant speak proper english.
i cant write proper english.
i cant speak proper mandarin.
i cant write proper mandarin.
a little imperfection is acceptable.
too many like now?
is un acceptable.
8:45 PM
Saturday, October 14, 2006
50th entry.
yesterday 13 october 2006 was graduation day.
'wat a coincidence how the 50th entry is with this issue of grad day.
the feeling was weird.
sad happy upset excited
the feeling was unbearable.
how i felt like crying.
i took tonnes of photos like 200 over in the last 2 days of offical school days.
i dont know.
the feeling is really really weird.
we are really really going separate ways from now on.
i keep telling myself there's still 'a's and for the others prom and the post prom party.
but somehow it's different from secondary school.
the 'a's and other others are probably time when we cross each other paths again.
we really are splitting now.
we'll never have lectures tutorials with whole truckload full of rubbish, nice, disgusting, pretty people, ever again.
i'm feeling empty so very empty.
like what the hell. my jc life has just ended like that?
ended before i experienced it fully and happily.
how dare it leave me and just end like that.
but it did. the day came. and the day went.
time really is merciless.
how time flies. it feels as i have just ended 'o's.
i really am man. how i would miss c j.
although i always said it sucks. but then again...
1 and a 1/2 years... i could not not develop feelings.
great people i met there. horrible people i met there.
i'll miss it wholesale. wholesale.
happy graduation day 2006 hui hui.
11:43 PM
Wednesday, October 11, 2006
dont feel like talking to anyone... sigh... upset about my new camera.
but i cant blame anyone can i..
i can only blame myself for trusting others to take care of my things.
this is one big big reason why some times i;m so so reluctant to lend people things.
it seldom comes back in one piece...
i mean notes are fine... other den some of my more precious ones la...
but things like phone mp3 and camera.
argh. sometimes i just people to get their hands of it.
selfish aint i...
but too many times has it proven itself to be true.. just like my lomocam.
really u know.
i relaly waqnt to scold the f word. but i cant
i am supposed ti be changed person with better temper.
whatever. havent i changed? a teeny weeny bit?
see.. when shou and phong went out.. i'm also...'ok lors'..
kinda thing. because maybe they just wanted to enjoy time together.. maybe they noe that i'm busy and wont go even if they asked.
maybe-s make me happier :) at least i think twice on my part before lashing out at people.
sigh. i dont noe wat i'm sighing at just sigh. i'm not in a good mood.. neither am i in a bad mood.
just irritable.
i feel bd towards xiao yan .. cuz i sort of pang seied her.. sorry h xiaoyan didnt mean it.. sorry sorry... i feel very bad espwat u told me during chem lect keeps repeating in my head.. i'm so sorry... really very.
skipping bio mock was a weird weird feeling. but watever la huh..
it's not i pon k hahha.. had a grad day rehearsal to attend what. hahas.
excuses.
what man desperately make out of mistakes to feel better. hehe
lists
what man desperately make out of chaos. hehe mercedes benz... top on every list
hhha wu liao cheap thrill.. merc commericals.. not bad.. i like it... it's classier den many other... hahha.
whatever.
i think i typed more then 5 whatevrs already watevr.
zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
zzzzzz.............................................................
12:26 AM
Saturday, October 07, 2006
smile smile smile:)
hmm i realised it's quite difficult to write happy stuff..
because it is always not enough to be shared.
by the time i wanna write it down to remember,
it had already been shared between my friends and i...
hmm i realised it's quite easy to write sad stuff..
because it is not to be shared. or rather not wanted to be shared.
a minimal is suffocating overwhelming and upsetting.
so i'll always have the extra time and effort to write it down to remember.
cheerfulness is hard to achieve.
not just on the surface- smiling all the time laughing all the time.
but also underneath. the heart- is it bright light and smiling most of the time.
i feel that my happiest time was probably in pri 5. i realise in pri 5 i had felt really really blissful.
i was jus telling leslie that day: when we were young we wished we would grow up quickly, looking forward all the time not turning back.
now. we just wanna go all the way back. or. just rush thru life now and enter society. but it seems tht the working world is still not as blissful as primary 5. so. can time stop. i want it to stop. not that i have not enough. just that i want the real happy moments to remain. to stand still and not run furthur and furthur in my mind so far that i can no longer find it
it is not that i am not happy now.
it is just that happiness then felt so much more comfortable.
hmm.. i shouldnt brood on the past... look forward huihui.
look forward fellow mates.
look forward to the one and only aging process we'll go thru'
i missed treasuring the blissfuless then, so i must learn to cherish now .
who noes later in life i might want to turn back time and return to AGE: 17- 18
~ be able to tolerate what others cant, and become the top of the top of others.~
11:35 PM
Thursday, October 05, 2006
aren't you tired.
i am very tired.
i want to stop. be weak.
i wont allow myself to be.
because.
one thing that i fully possess is.
willpower.
willpower. do u dare say u have it, lackey.
11:21 PM
hey there.
it's cute when u make people laugh ya.
it's funny when u make people the butt of your jokes ya.
it's great when you have a whole load of people staring- under skirts ya.
it's wonderful when your fren tells the others not to mess with you ya.
oh man.
you messed with me. you messed with huihui.
once was enough.
to think i was fucking stupid to think that your brain could make up for the loss in character.
hmm.
i dont know.
huihui is one freakin coward afraid of serious trouble.
oh boy oh boy.
this time it's bad bad bad.
i'm gonna curse u till the cows come home.
childish it seems. but incomparable to you, dear. :)
i dont care. i seem petty.
so what. i am a female.
wat can u do? bash me?
charming outside frens you have.
come on.
little scholar wannabe.
i know u cant afford to lose.
daddy's boy:)
10:48 PM
boo! hope u guys enjoyed miss swan...!!:) ignore my posts k.. i usually write den forget them kind of thing so ya... MISS SWAN is so retarded!! go youtube.com for more videos of her.. just search miss swan and u can find it:)
a 5 min laugh from work aint a waste of time..:)
12:13 AM
Sunday, October 01, 2006
hmm.. nothing is going through my mind now... too much stuff is going through my mind now. all of a sudden everyone around me seems messed up. as in emotionly . haha because no one can be more physically messed up as me.
whatever.
i really really hate it when people stare.
it's really freakin' rude.
and it really freakin' makes me feel uncomfortable.
i didn't care in the past.
ok. not that in the past.
maybe let's say since this year.
it's becuz of this bloody incident that all of a sudden maybe.
wat i think the people who are staring at me are thinking are not wat they are thinking.
it's scarey.
human's heart and mind.
who's true who's not.
insecurity is the only thing i've gained fully from cj.
sa never gave me that prob becuz i just fitted in with a whole bunch of people so well.
den when i turn around now. they seem distant unreal and even fake.
sc. i met up with jeanne lai lai and jacq ong on wed.
we had a wonderful time.
eating and toking and laughing at lailai.
hmm.. wat a... old feeling.
i told jeanne that i was sorry that i was so petty last time.
so high maintainece emotionally.
i was really immature then.
who knows maybe 1 decade and a half later, 10 yrs later, 12 months later, 4 weeks later, 7 days later, we might just look back at wat we did. regret it. or have differnt opinions bout the issue. think why was i so immature back den.
why din i see the importance the crux of the problem. whatever.
why am i in this world.
a question since i was pri 5.
still searching for an answer.
to be different.
to live for others.
to make people laugh.
to let people trample on.
to leave people in awe.
or just to be there to be treated like an invisible freak.
What the freaking hell am i doing in this world.
sucks.
i disown myself. no character and shit.
i'm not being emo.
i'm not being sad.
i'm curious.
i'm angry.
i'm fustrated.
with.
myself.
and.
no.
one.
else.
understanding.
how much do u understand about urself.
11:32 PM