Monday, July 31, 2006
ya. ya. i'm childish. so what.
oh no. i lost my temper at someone i've never lost my temper at not even in secondary schl. u think she can sense it?.. i did it over smses.. i think she knows i'm talking abt her.. actually i reallly really dun wan anything to happpen since she has just found back a very old and precious frenship.. aiya... i'm jus feeling lousy la... so gross.. all of a sudden like dun really have pple to tok too when i need to cal someone.. like i pick up the phone wanting to call someone... but dun whose no. to key in or press dial. i know there are pple concerned abt me. but but i'm a selfish person u see. i dun like distractions when i',m talking.i sound as if i'm jealous.. jealous over?.. i helped them , i hoped to see them back as twins eh. maybe the jealous of their frenship... as in like i never had close frens before... i'm a freaking loner. Geek.
i dun think anyone noe me... as in REALLY know me. not surprising. my thinkings and philosophies are eccentric. so. i dun really like to mention them to pple. but when i dun talk or mention. i get ignored. that's probably why i like to talk so much so loudly and laugh so loudly?.. to let pple noe im there.. there is some one called huihui who actually exists. i'm kinda tired.
tired of life. whatever.
whatever.
WHATever.
WHATEVER.
i am a A+ bloodtype and is a scorpio.
oh man check them out man i'm supposed to be introverted. HUR HUR. is it true..only i will noe.. doubt anyone noticed. i'm sucha brat seeking attention all the time. hah hah if u are not happy.. u do as u deem fit. i can always pull myself away from u like i've done so from so many others.
not sure if i shld post this publicly. but fuck it man. what's the point of thinking so much typing so much and not post in the end. WTH. i really cant be bothered. Life sucks big time. big big time.
3:49 PM
Wednesday, July 26, 2006
emo emo emo..
emo emo emo..
cher emo kai emo huihui emo.
so random.
i cant stand it.
dun roll ur eyes at me.
u have a temper so do i.
u dont like to apologise so do i, but i'm always the one saying 'i'm sorry'.
Fren, i really do love u. i appreciate u. u know how far i can go a true fren.
but do u feel the same way.
i'm not sure if u'll read this. but i dun want to end up with misunderstandings unhappy frenships.
so...
wanna settle it soon?..
i really want the old days to be back.
no wonder pple always say: happy times fly past... they never last.
i'm huihui. always be forever be.
i tried hard, maybe too hard to change myself to suit others expectations of me.
wat a miserable life.
wata do?
i care too much abt other pple's view abt me.
useless bummer.
that's me.
that's my future 'career'.
A Bummer.
i'm thankful to have supporting frens around..
i get strength, lots of it.
:) thank you.
9:52 PM
Monday, July 24, 2006
i'm scared of you.
i'm tired of you.
no one can help me.
i got to face you alone.
you messed up my life.
you messed up my mind.
you messed up my dreams.
you messed up my passion.
i dislike you.
i hate you.
stop toturing me.
my mind is in a whirl.
i'm in a dilemma.
you blame me for being incompetent.
i've reached my maximum.
i'm gonna snap.
i'm starting to run away.
Please.
I beg you.
dont.
make me suffer anymore.
my frens say i over worry.
my parents feel i'm not talking sense.
my teachers feel i'll be able to handle them.
i raise my hands HIGH up.
i surrender.
i give up.
but i still cant let go.
why.
becuz you, made me put my whole soul in.
i can no longer pull myself out.
some frens dont understand my worries.
they care only about them being alone and left out.
dont call me like it's my duty to be by your side when u need me,
only to kick me aside when you guys have patched up.
have u considered my feelings.
bloody rude you guys are.
seems not worthy of my frenship.
out of my sight.
dont come near me.
it's with people like you that the world is such a sad place.
you live in your unrealistic world.
i live in my practical world.
i found my new ambition.
a secretary i'll be.
all previous my aspirations were drenched.
not this one.
how about a nun.
tired of the strifes in the world.
i'm only 17 barely 18.
i cant handle now.
how about the future.
i want to fly.
fly as high as i can.
away
from whoever.
from wherever.
from whatever.
restrained by principles.
restrained by greed.
restrained by love.
when can i be freed?
9:53 PM
Friday, July 21, 2006
i am tired. shit head.
1:21 AM
Thursday, July 20, 2006
URGHH ARGHHHHH i'm sick and tired of them! i wanna gt this done but wat if my dream shatters!!!!!! so much of effort sacrifice and time given !! where's the results... U bluffed me... where are my results i dont see them. i'm gonna break down
12:46 AM
Sunday, July 16, 2006
Ho ho ho!!
Today I gave my word to my dad.
'You'll get results from me by prelims.'
I secretly set a goal for myself...
'by the mock exams.'
I'll show U.
I'll show everyone.
I'll show that I can score as well as I want too.
I can achieve whatever goal I set for myself.
I'll keep EVERY promise aft my achievements.
I want the primary school hui hui to return.
I want the serious and routined hui hui to return.
my classmates misunderstood my anger.
I misunderstood how much they know my temperament.
I thought she'll know how I feel like now.
she does not.
I seem like a spare tyre to her.
Only a for her to float on when she needs.
I found that there are more people who are more willing to share a TRUE WORTHY friendship with me.
With this, I'm contented.
My parents WILL understand.
They will understand ONE day that I DO have reasons for saying what I said.
My results are horrible.
terrible. horrible. terrible. horrible. terrible.
I'll work hard.
I promise.
I've never been so sure of the amount of effort I'm going to put in.
but,
please let my effort show,
or else I'll just return to my 'run-away' self.
the side of me that escapes the reality of failure.
I love writing.
I love singing.
but,
they cant feed me.
What can?
I only 'love'...
I don't have 'I can' s
How.
I don't know.
wish me luck.
I wish you too.
Thank you for reading.
~night:)
12:47 AM
Wednesday, July 12, 2006
Thanks phy!!:)
i hope dawn likes the earrings!!
auddie.. u are damn SWEET:)
thank you dears!!:)
8:45 PM
8:37 PM
Friday, July 07, 2006
haiz.. today is 070706 wasn't it supposed to be a lucky day?.. ok las huh.. schl was quite ok.. coir today was great!!!:) wah... :) i'm grinning from ear to ear!!!:) ohoh.. but one headache is coming up.. our auditon... its recording our individual singing for mr. t kinda worried.. how's?.. asked cheryl to help.. hopefully she can SAVEEEE MMEEEEEEE!!!
yesterday went out with kai and phong took neoprints!! haha we had no time limit to decorate the photos.. so we decorated till like kai was so tired she din want to decorate anymore.. so farni.. we looked SO happy in the photos.. haha i believe we reaaly were at that moment.. i loved the neoprints.. so much that i scanned it into the com and ask my bro to crop the pics out one by one hur hur THANKS SHENG!:) i love you.
today went out with some choir pple.. hurhur... celine was so cute she and Buns... hurhur...
everything was fine till i got home...
everything was fine till my dad comes back...
everything was fine till my dad finishes his dinner and returns to the bedroom to discuss with my mum abt my sis...
everything was fine till they talk abt her new uni camp...
everything was fine till they talk abt how the girls in teams had to wear bikini and jump into the water to earn points for the team...
everything was fine till i said i'd never do that...
everything was fine till my mum ask me not to be childish...
everything was fine till my mum said that's for the team, it's team spirit...
Then, we argued.
Then, i said i no longer wanna go uni.
Then, i said i no longer wanna study.
Then, i said i wanna just work in mac's.
Then, i said i'm not as cheap as that.
Then, i said no one would want to see me in bikini.
Then, i stopped talking.
Then, i started to tear.
Then, i quickly wiped them away.
Then... my mum said:" Send her for counselling. she needs it."
My heart breaks.
My hands start to type msn messages to phong.
My hands start to write this entry.
My eyes start to tear again...
My mind starts to think.
I think: Phong understands? Phong understands.
I think: Did Shou really feel cared by me as Phong said? Shou did.
I think: I felt so loved and cared yesterday with Phong and Kai. Yep, i really did.
I think: Why doesn't my parents love me as much as my sister? I do not know.
I think: Am I here to be laughed at by people? I do not know.
I think: Is it a sin to be fat? I do not want to know.
I think: Am I being punished for being fat? I do not want to know.
I think: Am I tired, giving up? Maybe.
I think: Do I deserve to be in existence? Maybe not.
I think: Do I understand my family? Not Really.
I think: Do I understand my friends? Maybe not.
I think: Do I understand myself? An immediate No.
i'm tired. do not feel like writing any more. i'm this unpredictable, this i-want-it-this-way-means-i-want-it.
I just want to thank phong for talking me to me now on msn and also her for telling me that shou luurrvvess me. haha. i love her too:)
I just want to thank shou for telling phong that she's really glad to have me as a friend.
I just want to thank Kai for caring for me and encouraging me all the time. Thanks dear.
I just want to thank Auddie, Dawn, Phy, Louie, for encouraging me in all different methods- thru letters, tags, a simple hug and a simple pat on the back.
I just want to thank my parents for bringing me up for so many years. I'll pay back. Double.
I just want to thank you for reading till here. Thank you~
9:52 PM
Wednesday, July 05, 2006
hahha guess wat.. someone told me.. i really forgot who.... that my blog skin is a bit abit ah-hem childish.. HAHA nvm la.. since u are my fren i dont mind ur comments.. but hehe... i like my blogskin.. dont wanna have the model type of blogskin with girls posing, heheh not my type seriously.. i'm not that kind of person haha.. i feel those models are pretty but.. i'm not.. so aiya..
so random all of a sudden talk abt this kind of things.. so irritating.. i'm a damn supa sensitive person.. used to get angry all the time.. - spoilt brat right? hahha.. but i really tried to improve.. i really am trying to be mature trying to grow up at the speed u guys want me to. i really am trying to tolerate or trying to not 'look' at stuff or things i'll be upset abt... but... it's really difficult.. and i feel kinda tired... tired... tired... then when i turn just a little upset pple will start to say 'oh.. huihui is pissed, leave her alone la, she'll be fine soon.'
NO! i'm not pissed, i'm just feeling a little upset.. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE!
Pissed is when i walk away or when i really tell u not to bother. little upset is when i really need ur understanding to talk to me to find out what made me upset. i cant keep swallowing and swallowing the unhappiness... they become a huge dormant volcano until it erupts and then u say why are u so pissed, childish, petty or Whatever.
i'm not a mild tempered person OBVIOUSLY.. and like what one of my very good fren says, i'm NOT a happy go lucky person... even if i m, happy go lucky people also have damn bloody wtf moments. from ypung my parents my teachers my godmother whoeevr that is feels that i'm a joyful-joyful person... then they dun take me seriously den they f-ing hell expect results. I AM NOT A GENIUS!! I'M LAZY CANT YOU SEE I'M LAZY!! the bloody hell psle scores though proud of them.. i believe luck has played a part too..
i dont know what i rambling abt... it just comes out... i really cant bothered to cut my words...
noe what? i really hate pe.. i hate running. i hate feeling breathless.. i hate feeling that i'm slow.. i hate feeling that i'm so behind... i hate feeling i am the last... i hate feeling useless... i hate feeling like shit after running... WHY CAN'T THE TEACHERS JUST LEAVE ME ALONE!! people who were NEVER fat as in real obese(dont come and pinch ur already flat enuf tummy and say that's fat.. it just shows how hypocritical u are).. never will u understand the hurt and uncomfortableness and worthless.. confidence level? HUR! never had it everything is fake fake fake... i'm just fake.. whatever.. i'm in a shit mood now... RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN !! i didn't ask to be fat... i really didnt.. i just just just cant control when i was younger... i'm already paying the price with my health so just spare me the wjhatver shit can... i'm plagued with fatigue. i think telly-tubby totally crushed the watever minimal self esteem i had. in the end.. he's not fat infact he's good in whatever sports he plays.. me?..HUR! laughing stock of the year!!.. SLAP SLAP SLAP SLAP SLAP SLAP SLAP!!
CHOIR CHOIR CHOIR... i have practice with monster T this fri.. haha.. this fri with everyone out galavanting in town.. i wanna cry... no tears... he just froze every water molecule in my body with his ice-glare and ruthless unpredictable decision...
my dad was so adorable today.. i think he feels that he can open up to me, this mornign while he sent me to schl early for morning run he actually told me that he almost.. *touch wood* 'that' many many years ago maybe before i was born he suffered dehydration after running and couldnt breathe.. so from then on he always brought a water bottle wherever he went.. i think this is the only happy thing in this blog entry.. a smaller distance between my heart and my dad's heart.. i love u dad... i love my family. really alot.. i cant bring myself to throw them side for anything, not even play, i love play but there'll always be a time when i just wanna be home with my family... i miss ahma.. although i felt that i couldnt communicate with her.. but..ah ma.. the memories of her with me all the time during the korea trip is still so clear and dear to me... ah ma i love you.
oh gosh.. i wrote alot today.. hah i think i'll never be able to write on hand in my small dairy book.. it would probably be like 10 pages long hha my hands probably would have be broken.. haha.. the mood swings in this entry is like an action potential graph.. almost immedately my mood is reaches the peak with agitation den it drops to my calm ness now..
so i apologise for watever i may have written that i may have offended u, the reader.. i do not want to change wat i typed becuz that's the expression of my true feelings as i type abt those matters... they are of no joke.
hope u not scared off by my entry... instead, relieved that u now really noe what's going on in my mind.
thanks for reading:) ~from the deepest bottom of my heart.
9:15 PM
Monday, July 03, 2006
YEA!! today was a satisfying and fulfilling day!! hahaha bought so much stuff with phy.. can u believe it i bought a 'mulberry' bag at 39!!!! the big one somemore.. i oso got dawn's prezzie!! hahah got to sterilize it first.. hahaha.. who noes whether the vintage earrings are clean or not ahhaha... i also bought a pair of slippers... although 15bucks.. a bit ex.,.. but it's supa comfortable!! heh.. heh..
shopping with phy is so farni las.. we tok abt so much rubbish stuff.. like how the guy in the next shop looks kinda kool.. kinda ugly.. kinda ego... hahhaha!! and how that guy in the bag shop may be gay... and is a SUPA good catch.. haha my future bf must be like him!!! hahha...
thanks phy for accompanying me today.. know wat actallu scarymovie 4 not very nice lors.. it's quite idoitic actually... hahha so dots.. i almoset wanted to lie on ur shoulder and sleep.. hahha but there were parts taht the music was gross and eerie.. haha... shiitake toyota yahama yokohama sushi sashimiiiiiiii...........
and shou shou is so cute.. all of a sudden say hi online hur hur... thamnks for letting me know abt it!! i appreciate it... take care ya my twin hahha!!!
sian ah tml got schl.. like YUCKS! first day of schl got pe.. argh.. pe sucks.. i mean like i can neva ever pass nafa so wat for run and run!! ARGH!! and choir gonna start again!! my god.. shldnt i be happi? i missed singing... BUT.. i donot miss singing under mr t... so.. i'm gonna get a nervous breakdown one day!!!! plus selections is gonna start this month!! i',m freaking dont-know-what... i love singing alot.. but but... i.. aiz.. dont wanna think abt it.. i just wanna run away from it!! i rather study. i really rather study.
9:42 PM