Thursday, August 31, 2006
thank you for them.
thank you for giving them to me.
thank you for giving them to me so that i feel so loved.
thank you for giving them to me so when i feel tired i can turn to them.
thank you for giving them to me so i can face my true self.
thank you for giving them to me so i can be true to my inner feelings.
thank you for giving them to me so i can grow up.
thank you for giving them to me so i can see clearly where my faults lie.
~phy, ann, tina, cristal, elena.
one i've knowned for a long long time.
four i've found them hidden for a long long time.
thank you for letting me feel loved and wanted.
thank you for the security i so longed for.
we might have disagreements or yet to have disagreements,
but i wish with all my heart that when that time comes our frenship reaches a greater height,
and not just fade off like so many had.
have i grown up?
i don't know.
i wish i had grown up earlier,
so i could have learnt to love my family earlier, as much as i do now.
i am aware of the hurt u all are experiencing.
be it love career family watever.
i pretend i am not aware.
i pretend i dont care.
my heart bleeds as much as u all do,
because i cannot do anything to reduce the pain.
because i cannot cry.
because i cannot bring myself to say ' i love you. all of you.'
tired. is the only word i have now. but i am happier. studying has surprisingly reduced the stress instead of increasing it as i always thought.
choir? just found out i cant attend prom. prague is back. leaving on the 29th nov. how. i dont know. actually maybe i dont really want to go.
i m tired of scrutinizing eyes.
people ask why do u care about those people whom are not worth it. i replied. you have not been under that few pairs of eyes, how would you noe how it feels like.
people said self esteem and self confidence is built by urself. i replied. try doing it- when it is already the bottom, it is bashed and bulldozed down by those pairs of mocking eyes.
regrets fills my life.
some can be salvaged. but. i choose not to. silly? not really. at least i dont think so.
i refuse to face up to any disppointments that i had known could be avoided.
that's me. a coward. not wanting to face up to any music- charmaine thiang enlightened me 2 years ago.
running away seems like the most painless way for me.
phy asked this afternoon. why dont u just complain about it.
i replied, i cant i dont want to. it's too troublesome. it just reminds me of watever i've experienced. my heart is tired. it cant take many blows. let's reserve it for the future.
i can- at the very least- try to smile as brightly as i can to whoever smiles at me or whoever i think deserves the smile.
no.
i do not think the world revolves around me.
the sun will still rise, the earth will still spin, even if i've died.
everyone has their set of problems.
but allow me to be very selfish and self-centred in just this one place. let me only talk about my affairs here. i need to learn to love myself and not to despise myself just as how some others do. let me love myself. please.
9:57 PM