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Wednesday, July 05, 2006

hahha guess wat.. someone told me.. i really forgot who.... that my blog skin is a bit abit ah-hem childish.. HAHA nvm la.. since u are my fren i dont mind ur comments.. but hehe... i like my blogskin.. dont wanna have the model type of blogskin with girls posing, heheh not my type seriously.. i'm not that kind of person haha.. i feel those models are pretty but.. i'm not.. so aiya..

so random all of a sudden talk abt this kind of things.. so irritating.. i'm a damn supa sensitive person.. used to get angry all the time.. - spoilt brat right? hahha.. but i really tried to improve.. i really am trying to be mature trying to grow up at the speed u guys want me to. i really am trying to tolerate or trying to not 'look' at stuff or things i'll be upset abt... but... it's really difficult.. and i feel kinda tired... tired... tired... then when i turn just a little upset pple will start to say 'oh.. huihui is pissed, leave her alone la, she'll be fine soon.'

NO! i'm not pissed, i'm just feeling a little upset.. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE!

Pissed is when i walk away or when i really tell u not to bother. little upset is when i really need ur understanding to talk to me to find out what made me upset. i cant keep swallowing and swallowing the unhappiness... they become a huge dormant volcano until it erupts and then u say why are u so pissed, childish, petty or Whatever.

i'm not a mild tempered person OBVIOUSLY.. and like what one of my very good fren says, i'm NOT a happy go lucky person... even if i m, happy go lucky people also have damn bloody wtf moments. from ypung my parents my teachers my godmother whoeevr that is feels that i'm a joyful-joyful person... then they dun take me seriously den they f-ing hell expect results. I AM NOT A GENIUS!! I'M LAZY CANT YOU SEE I'M LAZY!! the bloody hell psle scores though proud of them.. i believe luck has played a part too..

i dont know what i rambling abt... it just comes out... i really cant bothered to cut my words...

noe what? i really hate pe.. i hate running. i hate feeling breathless.. i hate feeling that i'm slow.. i hate feeling that i'm so behind... i hate feeling i am the last... i hate feeling useless... i hate feeling like shit after running... WHY CAN'T THE TEACHERS JUST LEAVE ME ALONE!! people who were NEVER fat as in real obese(dont come and pinch ur already flat enuf tummy and say that's fat.. it just shows how hypocritical u are).. never will u understand the hurt and uncomfortableness and worthless.. confidence level? HUR! never had it everything is fake fake fake... i'm just fake.. whatever.. i'm in a shit mood now... RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN !! i didn't ask to be fat... i really didnt.. i just just just cant control when i was younger... i'm already paying the price with my health so just spare me the wjhatver shit can... i'm plagued with fatigue. i think telly-tubby totally crushed the watever minimal self esteem i had. in the end.. he's not fat infact he's good in whatever sports he plays.. me?..HUR! laughing stock of the year!!.. SLAP SLAP SLAP SLAP SLAP SLAP SLAP!!

CHOIR CHOIR CHOIR... i have practice with monster T this fri.. haha.. this fri with everyone out galavanting in town.. i wanna cry... no tears... he just froze every water molecule in my body with his ice-glare and ruthless unpredictable decision...

my dad was so adorable today.. i think he feels that he can open up to me, this mornign while he sent me to schl early for morning run he actually told me that he almost.. *touch wood* 'that' many many years ago maybe before i was born he suffered dehydration after running and couldnt breathe.. so from then on he always brought a water bottle wherever he went.. i think this is the only happy thing in this blog entry.. a smaller distance between my heart and my dad's heart.. i love u dad... i love my family. really alot.. i cant bring myself to throw them side for anything, not even play, i love play but there'll always be a time when i just wanna be home with my family... i miss ahma.. although i felt that i couldnt communicate with her.. but..ah ma.. the memories of her with me all the time during the korea trip is still so clear and dear to me... ah ma i love you.

oh gosh.. i wrote alot today.. hah i think i'll never be able to write on hand in my small dairy book.. it would probably be like 10 pages long hha my hands probably would have be broken.. haha.. the mood swings in this entry is like an action potential graph.. almost immedately my mood is reaches the peak with agitation den it drops to my calm ness now..

so i apologise for watever i may have written that i may have offended u, the reader.. i do not want to change wat i typed becuz that's the expression of my true feelings as i type abt those matters... they are of no joke.

hope u not scared off by my entry... instead, relieved that u now really noe what's going on in my mind.

thanks for reading:) ~from the deepest bottom of my heart.


9:15 PM


Fi- Fi-. C
to find a day where from then on
i would never need to lie again.

i really love vanilla.
for its straightforwardness

.mushiness with reality.

Irreplacable , unerasable memories.
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